On Gorm, The Great Hunter, The Scrolls of Bob, and other assorted topics

On Gorm, The Great Hunter, The Scrolls of Bob, and other assorted topics


First of all, the question has been raised of The Great Hunter and Gorm.  Does THE PEOPLE WHO LIKE PIE deny TGH’s existence?  Not at all.  THE PEOPLE WHO LIKE PIE fully acknowledge his existence.  As to his existence alongside Gorm, some explanation is in order. 

            Gorm is from the same realm as Peoria, they knew each other from that realm, were companions, and eventually became adversaries, bitter enemies.  But the Great Hunter is different.  He is from a different realm entirely.  His is the mantle of an exile, one who was cast out.  No one knows for sure, but it is suspected by Peoria himself that The Great Hunter was exiled because he wet his house too much.  The Great Hunter wandered the Endless Void for countless eons until he came across our own.  Coming here, he attempted to mark everything.  So Peoria rose up and smacked The Great Hunter. 

            As a result TGH swore vengeance upon Peoria, and has left his mark upon the world by condemning ducks to be edible and tasty creatures. 

            The exact relationship between Gorm and TGH is somewhat vague.  Once there was a source that may have described such an encounter, but the source was burnt to ashes when the Library of Alexandria was toasted. 

            Whereas Gorm has been quietly active throughout the millennia, little activity has come from TGH. 

            According to some legends, The Great Hunter once tried to awaken and begin a rampage trough our universe, but that Peoria summoned a great hero to combat him.  This hero is not the one prophesized to participate in TGH’s final encounter, in which Peoria is said to destroy him utterly.  This heroic quest took place some time in the past, but no acknowledged sources exist to confirm this explicitly.

            It may, however, be contained in the Scrolls of Bob.  The Scrolls of Bob are almost certainly real, as their existence is cited countless times in holy Weluvducsoha documents.  The Scrolls were written over 5000 years ago by the great sage Bob.  An interesting aspect of Bob was that he was never a follower of HWSNBNBHTBACII, contrary to popular opinion.  He was merely a man who wrote down prophecies in a set of scrolls; no one knows how he obtained them.  Theories abound, but which explanation is true is anyone’s guess.  Why Peoria would reveal himself to a nonbeliever such as him is curious, raising a most interesting theory that Bob’s ultimate source may not have been HWSNBNBHTBACII at all, but something else entirely. 

            But regardless of the origin of the Scrolls of Bob, their validity is unquestionable.  They predicted everything from indoor plumbing to Zoel and Betty’s refounding of Weluvducsoha to the line, “No, I am your father” in The Empire Strikes Back.  (Note: the Scrolls accurately say “No” and not “Luke,”)  The only problem is that the Scrolls disappeared.  No one is sure how, the most widely accepted view among scholars is that the once MOHC Joe Schmoe attempted to prove he had the memory of an elephant, hid the Scrolls in the desert, and tried to find them.  Naturally he couldn’t find them again, but he did find the largest diamond in the world but then lost that in his sleeping bag.  (Note: Scholars to this day attempt searches in Joe Schmoe’s sleeping bag to find that diamond, they have still not found it) 

            As such, the Scrolls of Bob remain hidden; we’re not even sure which continent it was as Joe Schmoe forgot.  Of course he was a naturally a poor MOHC, but no one seemed to care as he made absolutely fantastic dirt cakes (His lost recipe is also a fabled artifact many have searched for). 

            Since the finding of the Scrolls is unlikely any time soon, we must rely on other sources.  From what has been compiled from random allusions and the like, we can surmise that the hero that defeated TGH lived approximately 400 years ago. Some of the sources seem to indicate that he lived in Antarctica, the last of a civilization.  Through whatever circumstances he acquired various mystical artifacts and traveled into the Beyond Realms, trekking through dangerous and wild places that defy imagination.  Eventually he discovered the realm where The Great Hunter was in at the time, and stopped him.  In what way we do not know, whether he was actually plotting an evil scheme or simply awakening from his puppy nap, but we are told that the hero defeated TGH using an enchanted butter knife, the Blade of Ekemantoolotenhohohohohohohohohohohohohohohanhehudork’s (or Jack for short) Bane.  This blade is perhaps more valuable than any artifact in the Many Realms of the Toast. 

            Under THE PEOPLE WHO LIKE PIE, we regard the legends of Peoria’s former world Beyond the Toast as fact.  And in this world there was a giant spatula named Ekemantoolotenhohohohohohohohohohohohohohohanhehudork, which was, incidentally, destroyed by Gorm.  Later, its owner attempted to take revenge upon Gorm, but Peoria, whom at the time was still a friend of Gorm, retrieved an enchanted butter knife.  This implies that the blade had a former name and life in Peoria’s own universe, but what that is is anyone’s guess.  Peoria returned to save his friend, but the man had revived his spatula, only it was more powerful this time.  But Peoria and Gorm worked together to defeat the spatula named… er… Jack, and they did so.  Peoria then ate the spatula’s master.

            In any event, the Blade of Ekemantoolotenhohohohohohohohohohohohohohohanhehudork’s Bane held great power in Peoria’s own universe, so it must hold even greater power the Many Realms of the Toast.  That it could defeat TGH is a foregone conclusion.  This seems to imply in the final encounter with The Great Hunter, the blade is either not in that hero’s possession or TGH somehow becomes resistant to it, which seems unlikely given the blade’s origins.

            Whether the blade would affect Gorm is a different matter, and it is anyone’s guess.  It has simply never been tried.  We know this in that after the formation of the Many Realms of the Toast the blade was never used until used by the hero who defeated TGH.

            The Blade of Ekemantoolotenhohohohohohohohohohohohohohohanhehudork is, unfortunately, cursed to those who are not deemed worthy by the blade itself.  It is said that if one who is unworthy touches the blade they are instantly transformed into a telemarketer or solicitor.  Whether this fact led to the very existence of telemarketers and solicitors is unknown. 

            This curse might go a ways to explain why the blade has not surfaced in some time.  But still it would be an invaluable tool.

            As for Gorm and TGH possibly plotting together, there have always been rumors of this occurring, but there is even less fact supporting it.  No known source even implies such an event has ever taken place.  Which is strange, to be sure.  Both are sworn enemies of Peoria, it would make much sense if they were to meet together and plot and scheme.  Why they have not is an utter mystery. 

            And Gorm has much to fear now.  Whereas TGH has faced only one hero, Gorm has faced many.  Many schemes has he plotted, and many schemes have been foiled by a great hero summoned by Peoria over the ages.  The last such hero was in the last century, when Gorm tried to stop the development of the television.  Peoria knew this would be a wonderful invention that would get people to stop just talk babble with each other all day, so a Hero was summoned who destroyed Gorm’s army, and banished him from the world, at least for a time.